TikTok love advice: Hype, lip service or healthy?
· Citizen
TikTok has become an unlikely relationship and love coach, serving up bite-sized advice on everything from communication styles to emotional intimacy. Scroll for long enough and you will find an endless stream of healthy relationship habits packaged as trends or lessons in love.
Of course, each post promises couples better connection with less conflict.
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Social worker and relationship counsellor Ingrid Pollack of Inner Essence said that while these ideas gain traction online, in practice, there is often a divide between what people say online and how they actually behave when things get uncomfortable.
Pollak unpacks and myth-busts some of the more prominent TikTok influencer-therapy notions.
Is “soft communication” a real behavioural change, or just new language?I do not see it as a genuine behavioural change. What I see is people learning a new language because it is trending, without changing how they actually handle conflict. Most people still do not know how to manage conflict. They become defensive, argue in ways that turn personal, or avoid the issue altogether. Mature, empathetic communication takes work, and many are not doing that work.
How can you tell if emotional check-ins are genuine or just because?The difference comes down to intent and connection. Healthy communication is centred on the person, while performative communication is centred on the process.
Healthy communication happens naturally. There is real listening, and you feel safe enough to be honest about how you are doing. It reflects what is actually going on in your life.
Performative communication feels scripted. It becomes about appearing emotionally aware rather than being present. There is often pressure to respond in a certain way, with very little real support behind it.
There are warning signs. Someone checks in only when they want something, or they ask regularly but never show up when it matters.
Honesty can be an excuse for being blunt – Pollak. Picture: iStock Is “soft launching” relationships about privacy or avoidance?It depends on the individual, but in most cases, I see it as avoidance. A small number of people choose privacy because they value it, but many use it as a way to avoid accountability and commitment.
Do low-effort, everyday connections build stronger reltionships, or hide a lack of effort?It can easily mask a lack of effort. Many people are looking for low-effort connections instead of putting in the time and emotional investment that relationships require. I often see people discarding relationships when they become difficult, replacing them in the same way one might replace a car with a newer model.
Is therapy language helping or being misused?In many cases it is being misused. People use these terms to appear knowledgeable, in the same way others label themselves as empaths without understanding what it means.
Real understanding comes from doing the work, often in therapy. Attachment styles are not fixed and can change over time. Using these terms without deeper insight can become a way to justify behaviour instead of taking responsibility for growth and emotional development.
Does “healing together” risk co-dependency?I do not believe people heal together in the way it is often presented. People grow at different rates emotionally, psychologically and intellectually. The idea may sound positive, but it often leads to co-dependency and emotional over-reliance, which are not healthy dynamics.
Is honesty improving communication, or just making people blunt?I see many people using honesty as an excuse to be blunt or hurtful. There is very little accountability for how the message is delivered.
Honesty does not require harshness. Communication is a skill, and it can be learned. It is possible to be clear and direct while still being respectful and considerate.